Europe

Okay-so here's the deal:
DH and I are researching the possiblity of living overseas for 2-3 years. Nobody freak out--it's just a possiblity. There are a lot of questions to be answered and so much info to figure out.
I'm trying to organize my thoughts--and I'm going to create a list of questions here that I need to have answered before we go any further on this.
1. Cost of flight (appx 614 per person one way).
2. Cost of living:
A. Apartment (flat) 2 bd (between 400-900 EU per month)
B. Food, Utilities, etc...
C. Cost of childcare/nursery school (I want the girls to be immursed in the culture as much as possible--which would mean that they would go to some type of class).
D. Transportation
3. Income
A. How much will DH earn with contract (initial research says about 1550 EU take home)
B. Can I earn anything? For example: Teaching English classes or a part-time job
C. Secondary Contracts for DH
4. Living
A. Will people hate us over there?
B. How will the language barrier work out?
C. What are the people like?
D. How will we deal with being away from our families?
5. Logistics
A. How long will it take to find a contract for Dh
B. Will he need to fly over there first and have us follow? Can I manage 2 kids by myself?
C. Will we find an apartment that can work for all of us?
6. Money
A. Will we have enough money to live comfortably?
B. Will we have enough money for the extra things? Like traveling?
C. Will we be able to earn enought to get us home too?
D. How would the taxes work?
7. Visas
A. How do we get them?
B. DH will need a work visa, can I get one too?
C. Do the girls need visas too?
D. How long do the visas last? Will we need to re-apply every year?
E. How much do they cost?
F. How long do they take to get?
8. Belongings
A. How much can we take with us?
B. How much will we need to ship over there?
C. How will we get our stuff back here?
9. The girls
A. Will they adapt okay?
B. Will they be okay away from family for 3 years?
C. What about having more kids?
10. Insurance
A. Will we all be covered?
B. What is health care like out there?
C. Will we be able to afford the insurance if we're not automatically covered?
11. Me
A. Will I be able to get out once in awhile?
B. How will I meet people?
C. How much can I count on you being home?
D. Should we start preventing again? Maybe a new baby isn't a good idea right now.
12. I think I might be missing some questions---so you can add some here....

Sometimes...

I wish I could tell people how I really feel. I wish I could articulate what I feel clearly without getting upset more than I already am.
For example, I wish I could explain to my dh how much it hurts that he constantly disapears when we're talking online. Without explination. All the time. Almost everytime. It makes me feel small, and unimportant to him. Like I'm some annoying friend that can just be ignored. I mean, for some people, it's not a big deal. They'll see each other later. But our time online together is all we have right now. That's it.
I understand that he likes to multitask and "talk" to me while he's online with his cousin, his brother, and whoever else is online. I know that WoW is his social life...and I've come to terms with his time on it while we're together. And I"m okay with it most of the time. But right now, I really feel like his social life is more important to him than staying in touch with me and the girls is. And it really hurts. It's only been 2 weeks (well...16 days), and I can already feel some distance there (and it's not just the physical distance anymore). I really feel like he's stopped talking to me.

Well, my days are passing fairly quickly. I think it will move more smoothly once we establish more of a routine. Summer is always hard on schedules :) I'm still sort of thinking of looking into some sort of scheduled activity for Cady. Maybe a tumble class or swim lessons or a dance class. I think it would be good for her to get out and excercise during the fall and winter months. I guess I'll start looking for something in Sept.
I have a lot of things coming up soon. I'm going to be helping Jeff and Kay at the Oaks Open golf tournament on the 2nd. And then I have Heather coming up for the weekend on the 9th :) I think we're going to do some scrapbooking. Or at least have some good movies to watch.


I am so craving a Thin Mint Blizzard right now....just saying.


I think the girls are sick. Or at least have upset tummies. Dori spitup/threw up yesterday and Cady had a really, really bad nasty and disgusting diaper. It was so gross....
I feel bad for her. She came upstairs and was like "I need a new diaper. I pooped Mommie" and boy did she ever! Yuck.

We're having chicken for dinner. Should be good :) Although, everything here is good. Nola is such a good cook. I'm going to be so spoiled by the time brandon comes back. I'm not sure how well I'll adjust to doing all the cooking again. Although, in all honesty, I kind of miss it. I like making food and watching my family eat and enjoy it. I can't wait until we have our own house with a place we can all sit down and eat together....
Sigh. Someday :D

I'm tired of talking. It's hard to be the only one that's talking. And that's how I feel sometimes. I know that a big part of it is that you just don't have anything to talk about. And you've never been that great about talking on the phone (at least, not with me). I'm not sure why that is or it will change once your back in classes and busy again. I guess I forgot how monosyllabic you are on the phone. Or online. You always use the shortest answers. And you take so long to reply. You say you aren't doing anything, but part of me feels like your mind is elsewhere. And I don't know how to reach you. But then maybe I'm imagining things. I know you love me. I know that you will never hurt me intentionally. And I know that you don't want anything between us. I guess maybe it's just an adjustment phase. I'm not used to being apart from you and i know that it'll take a long time for me to adjust. Of course, it will help once you're able to visit on a regular basis. I know I'll feel better knowing when you'll be here...how many days until you get here....etc...

I love you so much. I miss you everyday.

I miss you. It's only been two days since you left and yet it seems like months. I don't know how well I'll keep it all together until Sept. That's nearly 3 weeks in July, 4 weeks in August and then, how many weeks until you can come in September?
I'm flying to NH on the 1st. And I will be gone until the 8th. Then, it's Harley weekend on the 10th. I'll be busy helping your parents then. So that's the first two weeks down. And I'm not sure if there's a time when you can come after that. I don't know the school schedule.
And that's already 9 weeks apart. It's so long. So far away.
I'm already desperate for your touch. I long for your kisses and the caress of your hands. I ache to have you hold me.
You never miss something until it's gone. I'm hoping that we'll never forget this time apart and we'll always remember what it feels like to be seperated. To be kept apart. To long for each other. To miss someone and be missed so much it hurts physically.
I am so blessed to have found you and to be loved by you. I know how rare a gift our relationship is. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. I know why we chose this path and I know that it will help us in the years to come. I love you so much! I'm so proud of all you do and that you're doing it all for us. It's amazing to see how incrediable you are at being a family man. I'm so proud of all you've learned and how much you grown as a person. I love you. Just the way you are.
I love you more each day. You are a wonderful husband and an even better father. I love you!!
Kisses!

Well...we made it to WI. And now we're headed back to Vegas without the girls, to pack all the stuff in our storage unit into a truck and drive it all back to WI. It'll be so nice to have all my stuff!! The apartment is way bigger than I thought it was and it should be no problem to live here with the girls. In fact, it's great! Grandma does the evening meal (and lunch most days) so we eat downstairs. This is an awesome "perk" because we'll get amazing food (healthy, balanced) and I don't have to cook!!!
And of course, I'll sometimes make the meal too. I do like to cook....sometimes:D
We fly back to vegas on Sunday. And then I have brandon all to myself until we get back here (hopefully for the 4th). Which will be SO nice!! It's kind of like a mini-vacation...only with the stress of moving thrown in there.

our anniversary has come and gone. It's been 4 years! We went out for dinner at Mino's Cucina (where we had our first date!). The food was disappointing...it had obviously waited under the warmers for awhile (dry/crusty). And the service was horrible! I was so disappointed. We haven't been there for awhile (we missed last year because our youngest was born two days after our anniv. making the 3 hour trip impossible). But we have faithfully gone there since we were there on that infamous first date that wasn't a date...


I do have to say...it's been 4 years and it still keeps getting better. I thought it would be getting "old" or "comfortable" by now...but everything just keeps getting better. I love spending time with him and the girls. I love spending time with just him. Being apart hurts. I miss him. I miss him if he's not in bed withme. I'm really not sure how this living in two states thing is going to work. I know the reason, I agree with the idea, and I've been desperately trying to not think about it since. I know that reality is setting in. And setting in soon. But I just don't want to face it!!


On a more positive note: I might get to fly to NH to pick up my best friend matt! I'm SUPER excited! I have a couple of months to save up for the ticket yet. It won't be until Sept. But I'm looking forward to a real roadtrip! I've only ever gone on one (with Brandon to check out grad schools). I suppose...it's getting late and I should get the things the girls need this upcoming week ready to go.

I dream.

Of a few things.
First, that my children will be healthy and happy. That they will find the one thing that can make them truly happy.

Second, that we will someday have a "real" job that will allow us to buy a house with a real yard. I want a big old rambler with a yard big enough to have a garden and a tree fort/playhouse while still leaving plenty of room for a game of baseball. And a dog. We need a dog.

I want to teach my kids at home. And I want us to be able to do things as a family. I want to be able to take my kids on vacations that will allow them to experience new things and learn to see things in a new light.

I know I won't get these things anytime soon. And some of it may never happen. And that's okay. But I'm coming to realize that having a dream is still a good thing. I want to have goals. I want to have something to work for. I think it's important.

It's been a long day. And the nxt 15 will be even longer I'm sure. We have to have the entire place packed up, cleaned, and ready to rent by the beginning of June. Before we leave for WI. We have so much to do. And yet, there doesn't seem to be much help coming. I should just resign myself to doing it alone. I'll probably have to anyway. That's the way it goes around here.
I'm a little frustrated by it all. But hey-I picked the guy right?
He's playing with his cousin and brother right now. Online. WOW. He's giong to finish the laundry and organize the garage before he comes to bed tonight. It's already 10pm. Usually they'll play until 11-12pm (they're two hours ahead of us). So...interruptation? He'll play until 12pm, force himself to do a half @$$ job with the garage, get frustrated, come to bed REALLY late, sleep, expect me to get up with the girls and let him sleep in, leaving me to take care of the girls all day while finishing packing all the clothes, moving boxes down to the garage, and in all likelihood--trying to figure out a better way to organize the garage. Oh-and I'll have to put together boxes so I can pack up the stuff in the kitchen, bathrooms, and closets.
All well trying to figure out what he'll need here, what we'll need to take to wausau, and what we should put into storage.
I'm making myself frustrated already.
He made a pretense of "asking" if it was okay. Of course, he followed up the "is it okay" with "It's not like I ask to do this all the time' and "I already told him I could." Oh....and "He just needs someone to talk to him" "They're having problems" and "things will get done here" "Don't worry" "I'll do it". And so on...and on...and on.
All things I've heard before. I guess that's really the problem. It was the same thing last time we moved. And the time before. Sure. It all gets done. At the last minute. When I'm so stressed I can't see straight. Add to that the fact that we have TWO little kids running around in the middle of this mess...and no one to watch them for us (at all. Or at least...not without paying $10 an hour! Which we just don't have right now!). They don't need this. And I don't know how he expects it to all get done if he's sitting on his computer.
I need to go to bed. At least I can get a good nights sleep. Maybe Cady will help me pack tomorrow :) And I'm sure Dori can throw stuff in a box too. I'll get it all done.

Eventually.

Packing.

How does one begin? I'm trying to get organized. I've moved before--but never with the two girls. And never to three different locations.
1. We need to sort out Brandon's stuff. What he needs to stay here and what can go back to WI.
2. What do we need at the apt in Wausau. I'm trying to wrap my head around it, but it's just not working for me.
3. What we can keep in storage. All the extra stuff. Which I have no idea what it will be but it's important to figure that out. I guess that the extra girls clothes, toys, and some other household stuff that we won't need at the apt.
Argh. Add to that, the fact that I can't get motivated! I just don't want to do anything right now. I guess part of it is just the feeling that I've done this alone before. And I'm tired of not having help getting organized and what not.
I'm just tired. Really tired.
BUT we only have 19 days left until we leave for wausau. And that gives us just 15 days to get rid of things and then pack up the rest.
Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

Being a wife

It's hard work. I'm trying to be the good wife. I just don't know how to do anything more. I don't want to let him down but I don't know how to fix what's going wrong either.
Of course, it's not really my job to fix anything at this point...but I've always had to fix things (or at least I feel like I do). I guess I just don't know which way is up.
I know grad school is hard. I know he has to finish it to get a job in his field. I know he isn't doing well in one class. And I know what the GA contract says (GA may be terminated if student fails to perform up to expectations). I don't know how to make things better. There is nothing I can do.
Sometimes, I wish I knew how to be a good wife. I wish there was someone here telling me how to make these decisions. I wish I knew.

But I don't.

Decisions

So, we've decided to move home to WI. At least, I'll be moving home with the two girls and Brandon will be remaining here for another 8 months or so to finish his degree.
He says we can afford it. And I believe him.
We're carefully creating some safe guards for our relationship too. I mean, it seems that this will be the hardest part of it. I mean, how do people do it?
I have some ideas. We've already discussed keeping journals and exchanging them along with writing letters and emails. And I think we'll find a bible study book and each do the lessons, and then discuss them with each other. I think the first one we'll do is the money management book I have. I'll have to make copies of it though. I'll have to look at that. I'm sure I can find a way to do that. And it's a good study. Plus, we could do the something else too. I'm excited about that idea. We both have webcams and we'll be using those alot too. I'm pretty sure that Cady and Dori will get to see their dad at least every other day. And he'll be home for breaks and at least once a month.
I think we'll be fine. I'm trying to not doubt myself on that. I know we'll be okay. I know that our relationship will be fine in the long run, and I know it's best for us finanically. Paying off the creditcard, refiniancing the van, and getting some of that other stuff in order is important. We need to leave for the DMA program on a better footing than we left for the Master's program. And, maybe, we'll get that miracle and get a job right out of the master's program. I mean, rumor has it...there might be one opening in Wausau. I just keep hoping. But at the same time... I'm really trying not to keep hoping. I know that if someone else gets the job (highly likely) then I will be really disapointed. But it should be fine. We have a plan for the DMA. Sort of . At least, we know what school he wants to go to. I don't know though. I think we should consider some that are closer to home as well. But we'll see.
I guess I'm just feeling really restless about the whole thing. And I just don't know what we're going to do or where we're going to end up at this point.
I'm so tired of being in school. I want to be done...to start working off the student loans and getting settled in a real place. Were we aren't students anymore. Were we qualify for insurance and benefits. And as soon as Brandon gets a "real" job we'll be consulting a financial planner asap. We need to start paying things off and setting thing in motion for our future (ie retirement, college for the girls).
Well...I should get busy. I have a ton of stuff to sort through yet today. And I need to get busy! I also need to plan what needs to be done this weekend. The garage sale is a week away! And I only have a few things ready!

May Day

I hope everyone has had a wonderful May Day. I didn't get a surprise basket of spring flowers or special treats but it was a lovely day outside =0)
And there is only 34 days left until we head back to WI for a month! I can hardly believe it. Time is flying by.
I'm having a garage sale here a week from saturday. I'm trying to downsize as much as possible. The more I sell, the better off we are! It's too soon to sell the furniture stuff, but I'll probably just post that stuff on craigslist right before we leave. I'm not worried about not having furniture for a couple of days right before we leave. The girls will be in WI with my mom while we're here packing everything up, so it won't be a big deal. And I have the feeling that Brandon and I will be staying at his new apartment for a couple of the days anyways.
We found him an apartment (I think). He'll be moving in with two of his fellow music grads. They live in a pretty nice place out by Henderson. One of his roommates is a master chef! Maybe Brandon will learn something new ;) That'd be great!
I'm not too worried about us leaving apart. I mean it won't be for very long. Just a few months really. And we'll be in a good place. It'll be so nice to live near family again. And I guess Jeff and Kay, have some pretty big plans already too :) They have plans for a sandbox, swingset and more. PLUS Grandma Nola and Big Papa have a bunch of outdoor toys already too. I guess Kari and Brad were thining out the boys toys. They even have a little battery powered car (seats two) for them =) Cady will love that one. We also have a bike carrier/stroller. I think I'll get some use out of that too. The park is nearby and biking will help me lose some more of that baby weight I keep hanging on to.
Well.......it's getting late.
I'm off for the night!

Crochet a Cat Hat - wikiHow

Crochet a Cat Hat - wikiHow

Okay--I came across this on my google homepage today...and it made me laugh. I had a sudden image of my sister's 20+lb cat wearing a little pink hat with chin strap.
It's the little things that amuse me....

I wonder sometimes...

what it would be like to live in a differentl life. Most days I'm happy here...I love being a mom. I love having my girls with me all day. I have no desire to go back to work, not really. I'm only going to work because brandon wants me to. And he's right...we could use the money.
And maybe I will lose the empty lonely place left in myself. I try to stay busy enough that I don't have time to think about it....but it's hard to stay busy until 11pm every night. Its hard to stay sane when there is no one to talk to anymore. I know that it's just where we are right now...but I feel that he's slipping away....going somewhere I can't reach him. I know he thinks that everything is fine...and it will be. In time. I just can't help feeling like I've been shelved for that "someday" when "we have more time" or "next week" or any number of other things.
I've tried to work out a date night. I want to spend time with him...even if it means a little less time with our girls. I know it's hard on him to not see the girls and I understand that he wants to spend his time home with them. I know he thinks an hour watching late night tv provides "us" time...but it doesn't. I know money is tight...and babysitters are expensive. So I joined a co-op. We can trade babysitting nights. But he's not interested. We were supposed to have a date night last week...before the CA trip. But he had a concert...and didn't want me to go. So then he thought we should all go on the CA trip...but decided he needed to study his opera score...only to get home and say he needed to spend more time at school this week because he didn't have time to study over the weekend. He then went on to tell me all about the great bonding and fun time he had while in CA. How they spent most of the two nights staying up in his room talking. I was okay with that...because I had thought we agreed to get a babysitter so we could go out tonight. But he reminded me his dad was here...and he had called to see if we wanted to get together tonight. SO I smiled and said "Sure. We can all go and watch your audition tonight (public audition)." He agreed...only to pick up his dad and come back here to anounce "there isn't time to eat" and "I'll be back sometime later tonight." I didn't see him until 3 hours later. "Heavy traffic"
I know I'm being unreasonable. I know that we're in a tough situation. We're thousands of miles from family. We can't afford anything extravigent. But I need to know. I need to know that I'm worth something to him. I need to know that I mean more than just someone to sleep next to at night...and watch his children during the day. I need to know that he understands that I need to see him, talk to him, depend on him. He's the only friend I have out here...and yet, I don't feel like he's even that anymore.
I know I'm sinking into a depression. That's why I keep forcing myself to go to those stupid mom events. I keep thinking...maybe I'll meet another mom that I can talk to. Maybe the next mom I meet will be someone I have something in common with. So far...it hasn't happened. They're nice...but most of them have friends (and some family) here. A lot of them moved here to be closer to family or friends. Or they aren't that far from family. Or they have friends through work....or the group. Most of them are older than I am...and if I hear about how young I am one more time...I don't know what I'll do. Go even crazier I guess.
I'm so tired of this place...of trying to fit in to yet another group. I feel so alone and I don't know how to fix it.

Scared/worried....

I know it's silly...but how often does the doctor call you to set up an appt? I mean, especially if told to wait until after you see another doctor?
I know I'm freaking out a little prematurely, but what will we do if it is something serious? I mean...we don't have a great support system out here. And I'm not moving home without brandon. I guess we could take the girls to my mom's in WI and leave them there until we get it all worked out, but it would be SO hard not to see them everyday. I would miss them so much!

I know...it's way to early to start these thoughts!! Argh...stopping now!