I wonder sometimes...

what it would be like to live in a differentl life. Most days I'm happy here...I love being a mom. I love having my girls with me all day. I have no desire to go back to work, not really. I'm only going to work because brandon wants me to. And he's right...we could use the money.
And maybe I will lose the empty lonely place left in myself. I try to stay busy enough that I don't have time to think about it....but it's hard to stay busy until 11pm every night. Its hard to stay sane when there is no one to talk to anymore. I know that it's just where we are right now...but I feel that he's slipping away....going somewhere I can't reach him. I know he thinks that everything is fine...and it will be. In time. I just can't help feeling like I've been shelved for that "someday" when "we have more time" or "next week" or any number of other things.
I've tried to work out a date night. I want to spend time with him...even if it means a little less time with our girls. I know it's hard on him to not see the girls and I understand that he wants to spend his time home with them. I know he thinks an hour watching late night tv provides "us" time...but it doesn't. I know money is tight...and babysitters are expensive. So I joined a co-op. We can trade babysitting nights. But he's not interested. We were supposed to have a date night last week...before the CA trip. But he had a concert...and didn't want me to go. So then he thought we should all go on the CA trip...but decided he needed to study his opera score...only to get home and say he needed to spend more time at school this week because he didn't have time to study over the weekend. He then went on to tell me all about the great bonding and fun time he had while in CA. How they spent most of the two nights staying up in his room talking. I was okay with that...because I had thought we agreed to get a babysitter so we could go out tonight. But he reminded me his dad was here...and he had called to see if we wanted to get together tonight. SO I smiled and said "Sure. We can all go and watch your audition tonight (public audition)." He agreed...only to pick up his dad and come back here to anounce "there isn't time to eat" and "I'll be back sometime later tonight." I didn't see him until 3 hours later. "Heavy traffic"
I know I'm being unreasonable. I know that we're in a tough situation. We're thousands of miles from family. We can't afford anything extravigent. But I need to know. I need to know that I'm worth something to him. I need to know that I mean more than just someone to sleep next to at night...and watch his children during the day. I need to know that he understands that I need to see him, talk to him, depend on him. He's the only friend I have out here...and yet, I don't feel like he's even that anymore.
I know I'm sinking into a depression. That's why I keep forcing myself to go to those stupid mom events. I keep thinking...maybe I'll meet another mom that I can talk to. Maybe the next mom I meet will be someone I have something in common with. So far...it hasn't happened. They're nice...but most of them have friends (and some family) here. A lot of them moved here to be closer to family or friends. Or they aren't that far from family. Or they have friends through work....or the group. Most of them are older than I am...and if I hear about how young I am one more time...I don't know what I'll do. Go even crazier I guess.
I'm so tired of this place...of trying to fit in to yet another group. I feel so alone and I don't know how to fix it.