I dream.

Of a few things.
First, that my children will be healthy and happy. That they will find the one thing that can make them truly happy.

Second, that we will someday have a "real" job that will allow us to buy a house with a real yard. I want a big old rambler with a yard big enough to have a garden and a tree fort/playhouse while still leaving plenty of room for a game of baseball. And a dog. We need a dog.

I want to teach my kids at home. And I want us to be able to do things as a family. I want to be able to take my kids on vacations that will allow them to experience new things and learn to see things in a new light.

I know I won't get these things anytime soon. And some of it may never happen. And that's okay. But I'm coming to realize that having a dream is still a good thing. I want to have goals. I want to have something to work for. I think it's important.

It's been a long day. And the nxt 15 will be even longer I'm sure. We have to have the entire place packed up, cleaned, and ready to rent by the beginning of June. Before we leave for WI. We have so much to do. And yet, there doesn't seem to be much help coming. I should just resign myself to doing it alone. I'll probably have to anyway. That's the way it goes around here.
I'm a little frustrated by it all. But hey-I picked the guy right?
He's playing with his cousin and brother right now. Online. WOW. He's giong to finish the laundry and organize the garage before he comes to bed tonight. It's already 10pm. Usually they'll play until 11-12pm (they're two hours ahead of us). So...interruptation? He'll play until 12pm, force himself to do a half @$$ job with the garage, get frustrated, come to bed REALLY late, sleep, expect me to get up with the girls and let him sleep in, leaving me to take care of the girls all day while finishing packing all the clothes, moving boxes down to the garage, and in all likelihood--trying to figure out a better way to organize the garage. Oh-and I'll have to put together boxes so I can pack up the stuff in the kitchen, bathrooms, and closets.
All well trying to figure out what he'll need here, what we'll need to take to wausau, and what we should put into storage.
I'm making myself frustrated already.
He made a pretense of "asking" if it was okay. Of course, he followed up the "is it okay" with "It's not like I ask to do this all the time' and "I already told him I could." Oh....and "He just needs someone to talk to him" "They're having problems" and "things will get done here" "Don't worry" "I'll do it". And so on...and on...and on.
All things I've heard before. I guess that's really the problem. It was the same thing last time we moved. And the time before. Sure. It all gets done. At the last minute. When I'm so stressed I can't see straight. Add to that the fact that we have TWO little kids running around in the middle of this mess...and no one to watch them for us (at all. Or at least...not without paying $10 an hour! Which we just don't have right now!). They don't need this. And I don't know how he expects it to all get done if he's sitting on his computer.
I need to go to bed. At least I can get a good nights sleep. Maybe Cady will help me pack tomorrow :) And I'm sure Dori can throw stuff in a box too. I'll get it all done.

Eventually.

Packing.

How does one begin? I'm trying to get organized. I've moved before--but never with the two girls. And never to three different locations.
1. We need to sort out Brandon's stuff. What he needs to stay here and what can go back to WI.
2. What do we need at the apt in Wausau. I'm trying to wrap my head around it, but it's just not working for me.
3. What we can keep in storage. All the extra stuff. Which I have no idea what it will be but it's important to figure that out. I guess that the extra girls clothes, toys, and some other household stuff that we won't need at the apt.
Argh. Add to that, the fact that I can't get motivated! I just don't want to do anything right now. I guess part of it is just the feeling that I've done this alone before. And I'm tired of not having help getting organized and what not.
I'm just tired. Really tired.
BUT we only have 19 days left until we leave for wausau. And that gives us just 15 days to get rid of things and then pack up the rest.
Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

Being a wife

It's hard work. I'm trying to be the good wife. I just don't know how to do anything more. I don't want to let him down but I don't know how to fix what's going wrong either.
Of course, it's not really my job to fix anything at this point...but I've always had to fix things (or at least I feel like I do). I guess I just don't know which way is up.
I know grad school is hard. I know he has to finish it to get a job in his field. I know he isn't doing well in one class. And I know what the GA contract says (GA may be terminated if student fails to perform up to expectations). I don't know how to make things better. There is nothing I can do.
Sometimes, I wish I knew how to be a good wife. I wish there was someone here telling me how to make these decisions. I wish I knew.

But I don't.

Decisions

So, we've decided to move home to WI. At least, I'll be moving home with the two girls and Brandon will be remaining here for another 8 months or so to finish his degree.
He says we can afford it. And I believe him.
We're carefully creating some safe guards for our relationship too. I mean, it seems that this will be the hardest part of it. I mean, how do people do it?
I have some ideas. We've already discussed keeping journals and exchanging them along with writing letters and emails. And I think we'll find a bible study book and each do the lessons, and then discuss them with each other. I think the first one we'll do is the money management book I have. I'll have to make copies of it though. I'll have to look at that. I'm sure I can find a way to do that. And it's a good study. Plus, we could do the something else too. I'm excited about that idea. We both have webcams and we'll be using those alot too. I'm pretty sure that Cady and Dori will get to see their dad at least every other day. And he'll be home for breaks and at least once a month.
I think we'll be fine. I'm trying to not doubt myself on that. I know we'll be okay. I know that our relationship will be fine in the long run, and I know it's best for us finanically. Paying off the creditcard, refiniancing the van, and getting some of that other stuff in order is important. We need to leave for the DMA program on a better footing than we left for the Master's program. And, maybe, we'll get that miracle and get a job right out of the master's program. I mean, rumor has it...there might be one opening in Wausau. I just keep hoping. But at the same time... I'm really trying not to keep hoping. I know that if someone else gets the job (highly likely) then I will be really disapointed. But it should be fine. We have a plan for the DMA. Sort of . At least, we know what school he wants to go to. I don't know though. I think we should consider some that are closer to home as well. But we'll see.
I guess I'm just feeling really restless about the whole thing. And I just don't know what we're going to do or where we're going to end up at this point.
I'm so tired of being in school. I want to be done...to start working off the student loans and getting settled in a real place. Were we aren't students anymore. Were we qualify for insurance and benefits. And as soon as Brandon gets a "real" job we'll be consulting a financial planner asap. We need to start paying things off and setting thing in motion for our future (ie retirement, college for the girls).
Well...I should get busy. I have a ton of stuff to sort through yet today. And I need to get busy! I also need to plan what needs to be done this weekend. The garage sale is a week away! And I only have a few things ready!

May Day

I hope everyone has had a wonderful May Day. I didn't get a surprise basket of spring flowers or special treats but it was a lovely day outside =0)
And there is only 34 days left until we head back to WI for a month! I can hardly believe it. Time is flying by.
I'm having a garage sale here a week from saturday. I'm trying to downsize as much as possible. The more I sell, the better off we are! It's too soon to sell the furniture stuff, but I'll probably just post that stuff on craigslist right before we leave. I'm not worried about not having furniture for a couple of days right before we leave. The girls will be in WI with my mom while we're here packing everything up, so it won't be a big deal. And I have the feeling that Brandon and I will be staying at his new apartment for a couple of the days anyways.
We found him an apartment (I think). He'll be moving in with two of his fellow music grads. They live in a pretty nice place out by Henderson. One of his roommates is a master chef! Maybe Brandon will learn something new ;) That'd be great!
I'm not too worried about us leaving apart. I mean it won't be for very long. Just a few months really. And we'll be in a good place. It'll be so nice to live near family again. And I guess Jeff and Kay, have some pretty big plans already too :) They have plans for a sandbox, swingset and more. PLUS Grandma Nola and Big Papa have a bunch of outdoor toys already too. I guess Kari and Brad were thining out the boys toys. They even have a little battery powered car (seats two) for them =) Cady will love that one. We also have a bike carrier/stroller. I think I'll get some use out of that too. The park is nearby and biking will help me lose some more of that baby weight I keep hanging on to.
Well.......it's getting late.
I'm off for the night!