Packing.

How does one begin? I'm trying to get organized. I've moved before--but never with the two girls. And never to three different locations.
1. We need to sort out Brandon's stuff. What he needs to stay here and what can go back to WI.
2. What do we need at the apt in Wausau. I'm trying to wrap my head around it, but it's just not working for me.
3. What we can keep in storage. All the extra stuff. Which I have no idea what it will be but it's important to figure that out. I guess that the extra girls clothes, toys, and some other household stuff that we won't need at the apt.
Argh. Add to that, the fact that I can't get motivated! I just don't want to do anything right now. I guess part of it is just the feeling that I've done this alone before. And I'm tired of not having help getting organized and what not.
I'm just tired. Really tired.
BUT we only have 19 days left until we leave for wausau. And that gives us just 15 days to get rid of things and then pack up the rest.
Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

Being a wife

It's hard work. I'm trying to be the good wife. I just don't know how to do anything more. I don't want to let him down but I don't know how to fix what's going wrong either.
Of course, it's not really my job to fix anything at this point...but I've always had to fix things (or at least I feel like I do). I guess I just don't know which way is up.
I know grad school is hard. I know he has to finish it to get a job in his field. I know he isn't doing well in one class. And I know what the GA contract says (GA may be terminated if student fails to perform up to expectations). I don't know how to make things better. There is nothing I can do.
Sometimes, I wish I knew how to be a good wife. I wish there was someone here telling me how to make these decisions. I wish I knew.

But I don't.

Decisions

So, we've decided to move home to WI. At least, I'll be moving home with the two girls and Brandon will be remaining here for another 8 months or so to finish his degree.
He says we can afford it. And I believe him.
We're carefully creating some safe guards for our relationship too. I mean, it seems that this will be the hardest part of it. I mean, how do people do it?
I have some ideas. We've already discussed keeping journals and exchanging them along with writing letters and emails. And I think we'll find a bible study book and each do the lessons, and then discuss them with each other. I think the first one we'll do is the money management book I have. I'll have to make copies of it though. I'll have to look at that. I'm sure I can find a way to do that. And it's a good study. Plus, we could do the something else too. I'm excited about that idea. We both have webcams and we'll be using those alot too. I'm pretty sure that Cady and Dori will get to see their dad at least every other day. And he'll be home for breaks and at least once a month.
I think we'll be fine. I'm trying to not doubt myself on that. I know we'll be okay. I know that our relationship will be fine in the long run, and I know it's best for us finanically. Paying off the creditcard, refiniancing the van, and getting some of that other stuff in order is important. We need to leave for the DMA program on a better footing than we left for the Master's program. And, maybe, we'll get that miracle and get a job right out of the master's program. I mean, rumor has it...there might be one opening in Wausau. I just keep hoping. But at the same time... I'm really trying not to keep hoping. I know that if someone else gets the job (highly likely) then I will be really disapointed. But it should be fine. We have a plan for the DMA. Sort of . At least, we know what school he wants to go to. I don't know though. I think we should consider some that are closer to home as well. But we'll see.
I guess I'm just feeling really restless about the whole thing. And I just don't know what we're going to do or where we're going to end up at this point.
I'm so tired of being in school. I want to be done...to start working off the student loans and getting settled in a real place. Were we aren't students anymore. Were we qualify for insurance and benefits. And as soon as Brandon gets a "real" job we'll be consulting a financial planner asap. We need to start paying things off and setting thing in motion for our future (ie retirement, college for the girls).
Well...I should get busy. I have a ton of stuff to sort through yet today. And I need to get busy! I also need to plan what needs to be done this weekend. The garage sale is a week away! And I only have a few things ready!

May Day

I hope everyone has had a wonderful May Day. I didn't get a surprise basket of spring flowers or special treats but it was a lovely day outside =0)
And there is only 34 days left until we head back to WI for a month! I can hardly believe it. Time is flying by.
I'm having a garage sale here a week from saturday. I'm trying to downsize as much as possible. The more I sell, the better off we are! It's too soon to sell the furniture stuff, but I'll probably just post that stuff on craigslist right before we leave. I'm not worried about not having furniture for a couple of days right before we leave. The girls will be in WI with my mom while we're here packing everything up, so it won't be a big deal. And I have the feeling that Brandon and I will be staying at his new apartment for a couple of the days anyways.
We found him an apartment (I think). He'll be moving in with two of his fellow music grads. They live in a pretty nice place out by Henderson. One of his roommates is a master chef! Maybe Brandon will learn something new ;) That'd be great!
I'm not too worried about us leaving apart. I mean it won't be for very long. Just a few months really. And we'll be in a good place. It'll be so nice to live near family again. And I guess Jeff and Kay, have some pretty big plans already too :) They have plans for a sandbox, swingset and more. PLUS Grandma Nola and Big Papa have a bunch of outdoor toys already too. I guess Kari and Brad were thining out the boys toys. They even have a little battery powered car (seats two) for them =) Cady will love that one. We also have a bike carrier/stroller. I think I'll get some use out of that too. The park is nearby and biking will help me lose some more of that baby weight I keep hanging on to.
Well.......it's getting late.
I'm off for the night!

Crochet a Cat Hat - wikiHow

Crochet a Cat Hat - wikiHow

Okay--I came across this on my google homepage today...and it made me laugh. I had a sudden image of my sister's 20+lb cat wearing a little pink hat with chin strap.
It's the little things that amuse me....

I wonder sometimes...

what it would be like to live in a differentl life. Most days I'm happy here...I love being a mom. I love having my girls with me all day. I have no desire to go back to work, not really. I'm only going to work because brandon wants me to. And he's right...we could use the money.
And maybe I will lose the empty lonely place left in myself. I try to stay busy enough that I don't have time to think about it....but it's hard to stay busy until 11pm every night. Its hard to stay sane when there is no one to talk to anymore. I know that it's just where we are right now...but I feel that he's slipping away....going somewhere I can't reach him. I know he thinks that everything is fine...and it will be. In time. I just can't help feeling like I've been shelved for that "someday" when "we have more time" or "next week" or any number of other things.
I've tried to work out a date night. I want to spend time with him...even if it means a little less time with our girls. I know it's hard on him to not see the girls and I understand that he wants to spend his time home with them. I know he thinks an hour watching late night tv provides "us" time...but it doesn't. I know money is tight...and babysitters are expensive. So I joined a co-op. We can trade babysitting nights. But he's not interested. We were supposed to have a date night last week...before the CA trip. But he had a concert...and didn't want me to go. So then he thought we should all go on the CA trip...but decided he needed to study his opera score...only to get home and say he needed to spend more time at school this week because he didn't have time to study over the weekend. He then went on to tell me all about the great bonding and fun time he had while in CA. How they spent most of the two nights staying up in his room talking. I was okay with that...because I had thought we agreed to get a babysitter so we could go out tonight. But he reminded me his dad was here...and he had called to see if we wanted to get together tonight. SO I smiled and said "Sure. We can all go and watch your audition tonight (public audition)." He agreed...only to pick up his dad and come back here to anounce "there isn't time to eat" and "I'll be back sometime later tonight." I didn't see him until 3 hours later. "Heavy traffic"
I know I'm being unreasonable. I know that we're in a tough situation. We're thousands of miles from family. We can't afford anything extravigent. But I need to know. I need to know that I'm worth something to him. I need to know that I mean more than just someone to sleep next to at night...and watch his children during the day. I need to know that he understands that I need to see him, talk to him, depend on him. He's the only friend I have out here...and yet, I don't feel like he's even that anymore.
I know I'm sinking into a depression. That's why I keep forcing myself to go to those stupid mom events. I keep thinking...maybe I'll meet another mom that I can talk to. Maybe the next mom I meet will be someone I have something in common with. So far...it hasn't happened. They're nice...but most of them have friends (and some family) here. A lot of them moved here to be closer to family or friends. Or they aren't that far from family. Or they have friends through work....or the group. Most of them are older than I am...and if I hear about how young I am one more time...I don't know what I'll do. Go even crazier I guess.
I'm so tired of this place...of trying to fit in to yet another group. I feel so alone and I don't know how to fix it.

Scared/worried....

I know it's silly...but how often does the doctor call you to set up an appt? I mean, especially if told to wait until after you see another doctor?
I know I'm freaking out a little prematurely, but what will we do if it is something serious? I mean...we don't have a great support system out here. And I'm not moving home without brandon. I guess we could take the girls to my mom's in WI and leave them there until we get it all worked out, but it would be SO hard not to see them everyday. I would miss them so much!

I know...it's way to early to start these thoughts!! Argh...stopping now!