I wonder sometimes...

what it would be like to live in a differentl life. Most days I'm happy here...I love being a mom. I love having my girls with me all day. I have no desire to go back to work, not really. I'm only going to work because brandon wants me to. And he's right...we could use the money.
And maybe I will lose the empty lonely place left in myself. I try to stay busy enough that I don't have time to think about it....but it's hard to stay busy until 11pm every night. Its hard to stay sane when there is no one to talk to anymore. I know that it's just where we are right now...but I feel that he's slipping away....going somewhere I can't reach him. I know he thinks that everything is fine...and it will be. In time. I just can't help feeling like I've been shelved for that "someday" when "we have more time" or "next week" or any number of other things.
I've tried to work out a date night. I want to spend time with him...even if it means a little less time with our girls. I know it's hard on him to not see the girls and I understand that he wants to spend his time home with them. I know he thinks an hour watching late night tv provides "us" time...but it doesn't. I know money is tight...and babysitters are expensive. So I joined a co-op. We can trade babysitting nights. But he's not interested. We were supposed to have a date night last week...before the CA trip. But he had a concert...and didn't want me to go. So then he thought we should all go on the CA trip...but decided he needed to study his opera score...only to get home and say he needed to spend more time at school this week because he didn't have time to study over the weekend. He then went on to tell me all about the great bonding and fun time he had while in CA. How they spent most of the two nights staying up in his room talking. I was okay with that...because I had thought we agreed to get a babysitter so we could go out tonight. But he reminded me his dad was here...and he had called to see if we wanted to get together tonight. SO I smiled and said "Sure. We can all go and watch your audition tonight (public audition)." He agreed...only to pick up his dad and come back here to anounce "there isn't time to eat" and "I'll be back sometime later tonight." I didn't see him until 3 hours later. "Heavy traffic"
I know I'm being unreasonable. I know that we're in a tough situation. We're thousands of miles from family. We can't afford anything extravigent. But I need to know. I need to know that I'm worth something to him. I need to know that I mean more than just someone to sleep next to at night...and watch his children during the day. I need to know that he understands that I need to see him, talk to him, depend on him. He's the only friend I have out here...and yet, I don't feel like he's even that anymore.
I know I'm sinking into a depression. That's why I keep forcing myself to go to those stupid mom events. I keep thinking...maybe I'll meet another mom that I can talk to. Maybe the next mom I meet will be someone I have something in common with. So far...it hasn't happened. They're nice...but most of them have friends (and some family) here. A lot of them moved here to be closer to family or friends. Or they aren't that far from family. Or they have friends through work....or the group. Most of them are older than I am...and if I hear about how young I am one more time...I don't know what I'll do. Go even crazier I guess.
I'm so tired of this place...of trying to fit in to yet another group. I feel so alone and I don't know how to fix it.

Scared/worried....

I know it's silly...but how often does the doctor call you to set up an appt? I mean, especially if told to wait until after you see another doctor?
I know I'm freaking out a little prematurely, but what will we do if it is something serious? I mean...we don't have a great support system out here. And I'm not moving home without brandon. I guess we could take the girls to my mom's in WI and leave them there until we get it all worked out, but it would be SO hard not to see them everyday. I would miss them so much!

I know...it's way to early to start these thoughts!! Argh...stopping now!

I'm bored...

And I was once told that when one was bored one should write. Just aimlessly write out thoughts and words as they come to mind. I'm sure that something will come to mind as I just write out words. Recklessly writing words as the come to mind....Of course, words don't always like to come into my mind. I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm just tired. Or maybe having children really does effect one's mind in an adverse way. I would hope not but then it could be so, I'm sure. And then there is the small matter of grammer. When one is free writing does one need to be concerned about grammer? Or is it a sort of free reign? I have no idea really. I used to write short chapters in an ongoing story. I can still remember the stories. I had several. All set in different locations, with different people, and a different chain of events. Although, I'm sure they were probably all about to end happily. How unlike real life. I have a happy story...but I'm sure, if it is followed long enough it will be a sad ending. At least, in this life. One of us will die before the other...leave someone sad and lonely. Of course, there are the children. But they will undoubtably have their own families by then and be unable to visit often. In fact, who knows what life will be like in that far future. Or where our children will end up living. They may end up on different continants. No one stays in the same place anymore. Even now, people move across the country. We live 2000 miles from where we grew up and lived. We may never return home agian. Our children may not have the privilage we took so for granted. Living near family, seeing our extend family at any time. Being able to learn from our grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles.
Who will teach the next generations?

I'm tired, sick, and lonely...

It's been a long, long week. Brandon has been gone for the vast majority of the week...and I've had both girls pretty much 24/7 by myself. I have the greatest respect for single parents now. I always did...but now, I really do. I mean...really, really do. I don't know how they do it without some relief. I love my kids but I really need a night off. I've had them from breakfast in the morning to dinner at night and then, it's the night waking up. That's what kills me I think. The nightime disruptions. I do not deal well without sleep. I really don't. I am SO thankful that for both of my girls I was in a place where someone could watch them while I slept for a few extra hours! Lord willing the next one that comes will give us the same blessing :P Not that I would mind having a baby out here. I would be fine and I'm sure we would work it out....but I want my mom to be there. I want my sister to be able to see the new one as soon as she can get there. I want my dads to see baby too. And my in-laws too. I don't want them to have to drive 24 hours or take a plane :(
I miss being able to drive home. I miss my family. I miss everything except working full time. I miss being able to walk to my dad's house and just say hi.
I miss home.

Mothers.

I have one. Everyone does. I am one. And I have come to realize that at some point my daughters will hate me. Yes, I know I will try as hard as possible to ward this off, learning from the many mistakes my own mother has made, but it will, in the end, come to be. For I know that even though my own mother loves me dearly, there are times when I hate her. Of course, it doesn't last for long and I will always forgive and love her in reality. But until that magical day comes when she realized that I am not an 11 year old child running around in an adult body with two small children in tow, there are more days that I will come to despise her and her opinions. No matter how they are shared.
I realize that she thinks I'm a terrible mother that trusts other people too much, that puts other things before her children, and that I will never be married to the guy she would have choosen (which is just fine with me as I love the guy I CHOSE). I know she hates him too. I know she thinks I could have "done better" for myself. But we've been married for 3 years, have two children, and only one real fight (which happened before we were married). We are happy. We are still as in love as we were on our wedding day. Actually, we're even more in love than we were then. I've done a lot more than most girls my age.
I know I will never live up to whatever her image of me is. I don't think I want to. I am not her. I don't want to be her. I don't want to angry all the time. I don't want to stop trusting my own instincts when it comes to my children. I don't want to remain in my house, alone with the girls, every day and every night. I need to have some outlet once in awhile. I don't leave them every night. I don't just leave them with anyone. I am careful. I am doing my best to be a good mom. I know that those two little girls have absolute trust in me to protect them and I would die for them. I just wish my mom would understand that. I wish my mom would understand a great deal of things about me. Mostly, I wish she would stop thinking of me as a stupid little child that is always screwing up.

I have no words....

Mom: Girl killed herself over online hoax
Teen distraught at end of MySpace relationship; neighbor family created ID
The Associated Press
updated 12:24 a.m. CT, Sat., Nov. 17, 2007
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DARDENNE PRAIRIE, Mo. - Megan Meier thought she had made a new friend in cyberspace when a cute teenage boy named Josh contacted her on MySpace and began exchanging messages with her.
Megan, a 13-year-old who suffered from depression and attention deficit disorder, corresponded with Josh for more than a month before he abruptly ended their friendship, telling her he had heard she was cruel.
The next day Megan committed suicide. Her family learned later that Josh never actually existed; he was created by members of a neighborhood family that included a former friend of Megan's.
Now Megan's parents hope the people who made the fraudulent profile on the social networking Web site will be prosecuted, and they are seeking legal changes to safeguard children on the Internet.
The girl's mother, Tina Meier, said she doesn't think anyone involved intended for her daughter to kill herself.
‘Absolutely vile’"But when adults are involved and continue to screw with a 13-year-old, with or without mental problems, it is absolutely vile," she told the Suburban Journals of Greater St. Louis, which first reported on the case.
Tina Meier said law enforcement officials told her the case did not fit into any law. But sheriff's officials have not closed the case and pledged to consider new evidence if it emerges.
Megan Meier hanged herself in her bedroom on Oct. 16, 2006, and died the next day. She was described as a "bubbly, goofy" girl who loved spending time with her friends, watching movies and fishing with her dad.
Megan had been on medication, but had been upbeat before her death, her mother said, after striking up a relationship on MySpace with Josh Evans about six weeks before her death.
Josh told her he was born in Florida and had recently moved to the nearby community of O'Fallon. He said he was homeschooled, and didn't yet have a phone number in the area to give her.
Megan's parents said she received a message from him on Oct. 15 of last year, essentially saying he didn't want to be her friend anymore, that he had heard she wasn't nice to her friends.
Megan seemed upsetThe next day, as Megan's mother headed out the door to take another daughter to the orthodontist, she knew Megan was upset about Internet messages. She asked Megan to log off. Users on MySpace must be at least 14, though Megan was not when she opened her account. A MySpace spokeswoman did not return calls seeking comment.
Someone using Josh's account was sending cruel messages. Then, Megan called her mother, saying electronic bulletins were being posted about her, saying things like, "Megan Meier is a slut. Megan Meier is fat."
Megan's mother, who monitored her daughter's online communications, returned home and said she was shocked at the vulgar language her own daughter was sending. She told her daughter how upset she was about it.
Megan ran upstairs, and her father, Ron, tried to tell her everything would be fine. About 20 minutes later, she was found in her bedroom. She died the next day.
Her father said he found a message the next day from Josh, which he said law enforcement authorities have not been able to retrieve. It told the girl she was a bad person and the world would be better without her, he has said.
Another parent, who learned of the MySpace account from her own daughter who had access to the Josh profile, told Megan's parents about the hoax in a counselor's office about six weeks after Megan died. That's when they learned Josh was imaginary, they said.
Creator of fake account not chargedThe woman who created the fake profile has not been charged with a crime. She allegedly told the St. Charles County Sheriff's Department she created Josh's profile because she wanted to gain Megan's confidence to know what Megan was saying about her own child online.
The mother from down the street told police that she, her daughter and another person all typed and monitored the communication between the fictitious boy and Megan.
A person who answered the door at the family's house told an Associated Press reporter on Friday afternoon that they had been advised not to comment.
Megan's parents had been storing a foosball table for the family that created the MySpace character. Six weeks after Megan's death, they learned the other family had created the profile and responded by destroying the foosball table, dumping it on the neighbors' driveway and encouraging them to move away.
Megan's parents are now separated and plan to divorce.
Aldermen in Dardenne Prairie, a community of about 7,000 residents about 35 miles from St. Louis, have proposed a new ordinance related to child endangerment and Internet harassment. It could come before city leaders on Wednesday.
"Is this enough?" Mayor Pam Fogarty said Friday. "No, not by any stretch of the imagination, but it's something, and you have to start somewhere."
© 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
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URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21844203/page/2/

Communication

Why is it difficult to communicate clearly and effectively with the people we love?
I've studied communication for nearly 7 years. I can spout communication theories like any other comm. student. I can tell you how a company communicates, how it effects their business, and how to help change their methods to improve their productivity. I can tell you that how a mother communiates with her children is different than how their father communicates with them. And why that's okay.
I can tell you that married couples have trouble communicating and that it often leads to major problems in their marriage. I can write a paper on how Pastor's communicate with their congragations and why it affects the beliefs of the people that go to their church.
All this information floats in my head...along with oodles of information on Ancient Civilizations, historical facts, home remedies, film trivia, and more.
And yet, I still can't explain myself to many of the people I love. I live here, in a large city, isolated and unable to reach out to others. I realize that part of this is in fact, my own fault. I find that as I get older, it gets harder to communicate with others.
I learned early on that if you don't have something nice to say...don't say anything. Well, there is really very few nice things to say of the others in my demographic. I don't generally like Earth Muffins, liberals, or pushy people. I don't like being told that I am narrow-minded, opinionated, and constantly wrong. I don't like people that I barely (if at all) know telling me that I'm raising my children wrong. I don't go around telling them that my way is the only way or that I won't listen to their way. I am more than willing to listen, consider and store away any information they share with me. I will also impliment any information that I deem appropriate for my family. How is this being narrow-minded? And how much more so are THEY the narrow-minded ones? They don't usually listen to my thoughts. In fact, they usually dismiss them immidiately. I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of being the youngest mom in the group. I'm tired of feeling that I keep giving and giving and not in getting a friendly hello in return. And I'm tired of having to make new friends. I don't want new friends. I love the friends I have now. I don't want to change them. I would like to take them all with me where ever I end up....maybe I can start a commune. I nice friendly commune with all friends. How wonderful that would be.