Sometimes...

I wish I could tell people how I really feel. I wish I could articulate what I feel clearly without getting upset more than I already am.
For example, I wish I could explain to my dh how much it hurts that he constantly disapears when we're talking online. Without explination. All the time. Almost everytime. It makes me feel small, and unimportant to him. Like I'm some annoying friend that can just be ignored. I mean, for some people, it's not a big deal. They'll see each other later. But our time online together is all we have right now. That's it.
I understand that he likes to multitask and "talk" to me while he's online with his cousin, his brother, and whoever else is online. I know that WoW is his social life...and I've come to terms with his time on it while we're together. And I"m okay with it most of the time. But right now, I really feel like his social life is more important to him than staying in touch with me and the girls is. And it really hurts. It's only been 2 weeks (well...16 days), and I can already feel some distance there (and it's not just the physical distance anymore). I really feel like he's stopped talking to me.

Well, my days are passing fairly quickly. I think it will move more smoothly once we establish more of a routine. Summer is always hard on schedules :) I'm still sort of thinking of looking into some sort of scheduled activity for Cady. Maybe a tumble class or swim lessons or a dance class. I think it would be good for her to get out and excercise during the fall and winter months. I guess I'll start looking for something in Sept.
I have a lot of things coming up soon. I'm going to be helping Jeff and Kay at the Oaks Open golf tournament on the 2nd. And then I have Heather coming up for the weekend on the 9th :) I think we're going to do some scrapbooking. Or at least have some good movies to watch.


I am so craving a Thin Mint Blizzard right now....just saying.


I think the girls are sick. Or at least have upset tummies. Dori spitup/threw up yesterday and Cady had a really, really bad nasty and disgusting diaper. It was so gross....
I feel bad for her. She came upstairs and was like "I need a new diaper. I pooped Mommie" and boy did she ever! Yuck.

We're having chicken for dinner. Should be good :) Although, everything here is good. Nola is such a good cook. I'm going to be so spoiled by the time brandon comes back. I'm not sure how well I'll adjust to doing all the cooking again. Although, in all honesty, I kind of miss it. I like making food and watching my family eat and enjoy it. I can't wait until we have our own house with a place we can all sit down and eat together....
Sigh. Someday :D

I'm tired of talking. It's hard to be the only one that's talking. And that's how I feel sometimes. I know that a big part of it is that you just don't have anything to talk about. And you've never been that great about talking on the phone (at least, not with me). I'm not sure why that is or it will change once your back in classes and busy again. I guess I forgot how monosyllabic you are on the phone. Or online. You always use the shortest answers. And you take so long to reply. You say you aren't doing anything, but part of me feels like your mind is elsewhere. And I don't know how to reach you. But then maybe I'm imagining things. I know you love me. I know that you will never hurt me intentionally. And I know that you don't want anything between us. I guess maybe it's just an adjustment phase. I'm not used to being apart from you and i know that it'll take a long time for me to adjust. Of course, it will help once you're able to visit on a regular basis. I know I'll feel better knowing when you'll be here...how many days until you get here....etc...

I love you so much. I miss you everyday.

I miss you. It's only been two days since you left and yet it seems like months. I don't know how well I'll keep it all together until Sept. That's nearly 3 weeks in July, 4 weeks in August and then, how many weeks until you can come in September?
I'm flying to NH on the 1st. And I will be gone until the 8th. Then, it's Harley weekend on the 10th. I'll be busy helping your parents then. So that's the first two weeks down. And I'm not sure if there's a time when you can come after that. I don't know the school schedule.
And that's already 9 weeks apart. It's so long. So far away.
I'm already desperate for your touch. I long for your kisses and the caress of your hands. I ache to have you hold me.
You never miss something until it's gone. I'm hoping that we'll never forget this time apart and we'll always remember what it feels like to be seperated. To be kept apart. To long for each other. To miss someone and be missed so much it hurts physically.
I am so blessed to have found you and to be loved by you. I know how rare a gift our relationship is. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. I know why we chose this path and I know that it will help us in the years to come. I love you so much! I'm so proud of all you do and that you're doing it all for us. It's amazing to see how incrediable you are at being a family man. I'm so proud of all you've learned and how much you grown as a person. I love you. Just the way you are.
I love you more each day. You are a wonderful husband and an even better father. I love you!!
Kisses!

Well...we made it to WI. And now we're headed back to Vegas without the girls, to pack all the stuff in our storage unit into a truck and drive it all back to WI. It'll be so nice to have all my stuff!! The apartment is way bigger than I thought it was and it should be no problem to live here with the girls. In fact, it's great! Grandma does the evening meal (and lunch most days) so we eat downstairs. This is an awesome "perk" because we'll get amazing food (healthy, balanced) and I don't have to cook!!!
And of course, I'll sometimes make the meal too. I do like to cook....sometimes:D
We fly back to vegas on Sunday. And then I have brandon all to myself until we get back here (hopefully for the 4th). Which will be SO nice!! It's kind of like a mini-vacation...only with the stress of moving thrown in there.

our anniversary has come and gone. It's been 4 years! We went out for dinner at Mino's Cucina (where we had our first date!). The food was disappointing...it had obviously waited under the warmers for awhile (dry/crusty). And the service was horrible! I was so disappointed. We haven't been there for awhile (we missed last year because our youngest was born two days after our anniv. making the 3 hour trip impossible). But we have faithfully gone there since we were there on that infamous first date that wasn't a date...


I do have to say...it's been 4 years and it still keeps getting better. I thought it would be getting "old" or "comfortable" by now...but everything just keeps getting better. I love spending time with him and the girls. I love spending time with just him. Being apart hurts. I miss him. I miss him if he's not in bed withme. I'm really not sure how this living in two states thing is going to work. I know the reason, I agree with the idea, and I've been desperately trying to not think about it since. I know that reality is setting in. And setting in soon. But I just don't want to face it!!


On a more positive note: I might get to fly to NH to pick up my best friend matt! I'm SUPER excited! I have a couple of months to save up for the ticket yet. It won't be until Sept. But I'm looking forward to a real roadtrip! I've only ever gone on one (with Brandon to check out grad schools). I suppose...it's getting late and I should get the things the girls need this upcoming week ready to go.

I dream.

Of a few things.
First, that my children will be healthy and happy. That they will find the one thing that can make them truly happy.

Second, that we will someday have a "real" job that will allow us to buy a house with a real yard. I want a big old rambler with a yard big enough to have a garden and a tree fort/playhouse while still leaving plenty of room for a game of baseball. And a dog. We need a dog.

I want to teach my kids at home. And I want us to be able to do things as a family. I want to be able to take my kids on vacations that will allow them to experience new things and learn to see things in a new light.

I know I won't get these things anytime soon. And some of it may never happen. And that's okay. But I'm coming to realize that having a dream is still a good thing. I want to have goals. I want to have something to work for. I think it's important.

It's been a long day. And the nxt 15 will be even longer I'm sure. We have to have the entire place packed up, cleaned, and ready to rent by the beginning of June. Before we leave for WI. We have so much to do. And yet, there doesn't seem to be much help coming. I should just resign myself to doing it alone. I'll probably have to anyway. That's the way it goes around here.
I'm a little frustrated by it all. But hey-I picked the guy right?
He's playing with his cousin and brother right now. Online. WOW. He's giong to finish the laundry and organize the garage before he comes to bed tonight. It's already 10pm. Usually they'll play until 11-12pm (they're two hours ahead of us). So...interruptation? He'll play until 12pm, force himself to do a half @$$ job with the garage, get frustrated, come to bed REALLY late, sleep, expect me to get up with the girls and let him sleep in, leaving me to take care of the girls all day while finishing packing all the clothes, moving boxes down to the garage, and in all likelihood--trying to figure out a better way to organize the garage. Oh-and I'll have to put together boxes so I can pack up the stuff in the kitchen, bathrooms, and closets.
All well trying to figure out what he'll need here, what we'll need to take to wausau, and what we should put into storage.
I'm making myself frustrated already.
He made a pretense of "asking" if it was okay. Of course, he followed up the "is it okay" with "It's not like I ask to do this all the time' and "I already told him I could." Oh....and "He just needs someone to talk to him" "They're having problems" and "things will get done here" "Don't worry" "I'll do it". And so on...and on...and on.
All things I've heard before. I guess that's really the problem. It was the same thing last time we moved. And the time before. Sure. It all gets done. At the last minute. When I'm so stressed I can't see straight. Add to that the fact that we have TWO little kids running around in the middle of this mess...and no one to watch them for us (at all. Or at least...not without paying $10 an hour! Which we just don't have right now!). They don't need this. And I don't know how he expects it to all get done if he's sitting on his computer.
I need to go to bed. At least I can get a good nights sleep. Maybe Cady will help me pack tomorrow :) And I'm sure Dori can throw stuff in a box too. I'll get it all done.

Eventually.

Packing.

How does one begin? I'm trying to get organized. I've moved before--but never with the two girls. And never to three different locations.
1. We need to sort out Brandon's stuff. What he needs to stay here and what can go back to WI.
2. What do we need at the apt in Wausau. I'm trying to wrap my head around it, but it's just not working for me.
3. What we can keep in storage. All the extra stuff. Which I have no idea what it will be but it's important to figure that out. I guess that the extra girls clothes, toys, and some other household stuff that we won't need at the apt.
Argh. Add to that, the fact that I can't get motivated! I just don't want to do anything right now. I guess part of it is just the feeling that I've done this alone before. And I'm tired of not having help getting organized and what not.
I'm just tired. Really tired.
BUT we only have 19 days left until we leave for wausau. And that gives us just 15 days to get rid of things and then pack up the rest.
Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.